Bourdain in India, or "The Pretenders, or The Semantics of Unincorporated Meta-Theatrics"

India is one of the few places in the world that Tony Bourdain really finds himself drawn to. It is of no surprise Bourdain is going back to India to visit Kerala. Life is a little different in Kerala, where India's religious and cultural struggles seem to exist at a lower temperature. Since there is a larger Christian and Muslim population, meat is more widely eaten. Bourdain sits down at a working-man's restaurant where they serve beef, which is surprising in a land where the sacred cow is allowed to freely wander the streets.

However, it is difficult to travel to India and not eat some sort of vegetarian meal. Bourdain and the crew are invited to someone's home for a dinner party where the family cooks up a nuanced, brightly flavored, vegetarian meal, which Bourdain actually enjoys. After stuffing himself he declares, "I could almost be a vegetarian... in India... for about a week."

India is a place where the changes taking place are remarkable. It is a country pointed toward the future, but as western culture invades and changes many traditions, India keeps a strong hold on the past. The culture is much like the food, it isn't always pretty, but it is almost always shockingly tasty. Catch a new episode of Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations, Monday at 9pm Texas time. Only on The Travel Channel.

Timothy Braun
Santa Fe, NM
July 23rd, 2010

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind.)
1.) Earlier today I wrote the line “She’s 31 flavors of crazy” but had to cut it ‘cause it didn’t fit the piece.
2.) So long, Daniel Schorr. “Morning Edition” won't be the same without you. And you made Nixon's "Enemies List". How cool was that?
3.) Happy birthday to F.O.T. Tom Gissendanner.
4.) To The Devil: I've surmised you are a major stockholder in decaffeinated coffee and you've convinced my cardiologist I should drink this swill. Regardless of what several musicians have claimed, you don't rock, and we shall never be bedfellows.
5.) Really diggin’ Radio Free Santa Fe.
CODA
Here is what I read from my new play "The Pretenders, or The Semantics of Unincorporated Meta-Theatrics" at the Santa Fe Art Institute’s open house this week.

(At stage right is a soundboard where a stagehand sits with a microphone and some audio equipment। I imagine this stagehand to be a young lady। Use your discretion। From this moment on the stagehand reads “certain stage directions” out loud to the audience. I’m calling this stagehand “The Big-Big Voice” in my notebook, if that give a sense on how I am seeing things. In fact, I think it would be rather cool if actors react to “The Big-Big Voice”. Now, which stage directions are to be spoken is the question. This character does have lines, but I have over-written the stage directions with the mindset that some will be spoken, and some will be lost along the way. Have fun in deciding which stage directions are read. I would also like to suggest that projecting the script on the wall of the theater, and allow the audience to read along, would be fun. Oh, and giant funhouse mirrors, so the audience can see themselves across the whole play in distortion. One more things, the area that The Big-Big Voice is at is surrounded by various bottles unmarked liquids. I imagine the liquids to be of various colors, and the bottles to be of all kinds of shapes. Besides The Big-Big Voice’s area, we have a blank, lifeless stage, littered with the building materials for a set and a few costume trunks. The Actress, and the Dreamy Stage Man enter the playing space and build a simple frame, a procenium arch, which eventually holds a red curtain in place while thoughtful music plays. The Actress has a few noticeable tattoos. As they do this The Dreamy Stage Man says a tongue twister, a vocal warm-up if you will. Once they are done, they stop to smoke at the side of the stage and look at the audience. The red curtain is closed, but the curtain is blocking very little and the audience can actual see around the whole red curtain altogether. The Narrator enters the playing space and goes to the team that just built the set. I imagine this character to be a woman who has watched to much kabuki. Whoever, I think this character might be interesting if played by a man in drag, or even partial drag. Regardless, some sort of kabuki outfit should be considered.)

NARRATOR

I apologies. They didn’t mean to disrespect you. It so hard to find good help these days. You know, I gave up a job at M.I.T. to do this, to do this little theater thingy. Had a grant to study frogs. Too late now. (To the actors.) I bet you haven’t even told them how theater works. How to think and feel tonight? Fine. (To the audience.) Good evening, and I would like to give you all a humble apology once again. For those of you who are unaware of what you are doing, and what exactly is going on I will tell you that you are watching a theatrical production and you probably have no clue as to what is happening because, after all, you are civilized people in the modern world, a modern world that has telephones, and microwave ovens, and sexual toys. You are more than likely accustomed to having your art spoon-feed to you. When you look at, hm, look at a Warhol painting you more than likely say “Ah, yes, that is soup”, and when you listen to The Beatles “Sergeant Pepper” album you more than likely say to yourself “Ah, yes, this is an existential representation of the human condition”, and when you go to a Broadway musical you probably say to yourself “Ah, yes, this was a Disney cartoon when I was wee”. However, you are not at a Broadway music, or listening to an album, or looking at Warhol. You are at what scholars call “the legitimate theater” and you are having a legitimate theater experience. You will require a complete and total understanding of theater workings. There are traditionally five forms of theater, not necessarily in this order.

One, man versus man…
Two, man versus nature…
Three, man versus society…
Four, Man versus self…
And five, man versus oysters.
Each catagory of legitimate theater has multiple sub-catagories. And they are

Boy versus girl…
Cop versus rookie…
Country mouse versus city mouse…
Unruly classroom versus pretty white teacher…
Rivals in business become partners…in bed!
Man versus whale…
Whale versus pretty white teacher…in bed!

And the rather trendy oyster goes to Broadway to become famous, but ends up a bartender at a Janis Joplin musical review and learns how to laugh and love about the little things in life. Now, we do have one issue to address, which is why I am so cross the story was started without me tonight. You see, this story, the one you are sitting and watch right now, meets none of those criteria. But, that is not something you should fear. Please, don’t be afraid. We are here to help you understand what is happening on stage. That is what good actors do. And we are all very, very good actors. We shall give you pieces of this puzzle, even provide a blueprint to this story. We shall all slide in and out of character to help you understand, but in the end, you will need to figure out what is reality, and what is legitimate theater. Reality is a terrible thing to inflict upon people. Isn’t it? Let us start the play.