2008: The Year That Was

"Awesome night. Mr. President-elect, congratulations to you. What an awesome night for you, your family and your supporters. Laura and I called to congratulate you and your good bride"

-President George W. Bush to President-elect Barack Obama on the night of November 4th, 2008.

When thinking of 2008 I less welcome Barack Obama as the new president, and more drop an “Adiós” on George W. Bush. I make no bones about it, I’m a moderate and not a liberal, and I don’t hate Bush the way most of my friends do. I feel sorry for a man whom I question if he ever wanted to play Commander and Chief. I think Bush got into politics because he had something to prove to his friends, his family, his critics, and himself. But, a man who has something to prove never behaves well, and when he became #43 I think he got to the White House and realized this is no game. I think he got to the White House and made an effort. He did his best Andrew Jackson impression, yet it was all nothing more than that. Bush was a fun house reflection of a leader. In 2008 we finished writing the last lines of a bad act in American history and watched our Malvolio slink away, not understanding why Obama is our Antonio. I hope Bush has an “awesome” retirement at his ranch in Crawford. He always seemed comfortable there. In fact, he probably shouldn’t have left to begin with.

Now, a few other things I noticed in 2008.

Swine-Wine
Svedka, which claims to be voted the number one booze in 2033-featuring an ad with a creepy robot gal, introduced its new bacon infused vodka. I’m consistently seeking new methods to obtain pork, but I wonder if we as a people need to mix farm animals with our liquid potatoes. I refuse to try this product until it’s complimented with Svedka Huevos.

The Mike Vanderjagt Liquored-Up Idiot Kicker Award
Writing of pigs and drunken mistakes, it’s sad that I once again feel compelled to give this prize. Usually my nemesis, Tom DeLay, takes this award for just getting out of bed, and with his repugnant comments about Nancy Pelosi on MSNBC during election night Tommy almost scored his second Vanderjagt in a row. However, on October 16th, the Chaffey Community Republican Women depicted then candidate Barack Obama surrounded by a watermelon, ribs and a bucket of fried chicken on what seemed to be a food stamp in their October newsletter. The group's president, Diane Fedele, said she planned to send an apology letter to her members. She also said she doesn't think in racist terms, pointing out she once supported Republican Alan Keyes, an African-American if you didn’t know, who previously ran for president. "I didn't see it the way that it's being taken. I never connected," Fedele said. "It was just food to me. It didn't mean anything else." The Obama campaign declined to comment, but I won’t. Nice work, Diane Fedele! With a remarkably racist and brainless defense of a ghastly act, you’ve won The Mike Vanderjagt Liquored-Up Idiot Kicker Award!

(Note to Tom DeLay: Don’t get down, Tomster. You still took the red ribbon. I just read your “The Letter the Houston Chronicle Refuses to Print” and I still consider you to be just as sickening as ever. There is no shame in second place, Tomato. You are the New England Patriots of idiocy.)

Game Of The Year: Super Bowl 42
I’ve written at an exhausting level on Douglas Adam’s profound proclamation of the number 42, but for the pigskin faithful this last Super Bowl truly was the meaning to life, the universe, and everything. David beat Goliath, New York took down Boston, a prodigal son rose to the occasion and defeated an evil empire. Rarely have Super Bowls been this good.

The Evil Empire
Empire Magazine voted Fight Club’s Tyler Durden as a superior movie character over Han Solo in its nonsensical “Greatest movie Characters of All Time”. Tell me, oh editors of Empire, what kind of car does Tyler Durden drive? He doesn’t drive a car because he is imaginary. What kind of car does Han Solo drive? That is right, the Millenium Falcon. How does Tyler Durden reply to girls whom say “I love you?” He can’t, because he is imaginary. What does Han say? “I know.” I’m not big on conspiracy theories, I believe JFK was gunned down by one guy, we did land on the moon, there is no Loch Ness Monster, and 9/11 was pulled off only by the guys on those planes, but is there a coincidence that “Empire” magazine slighted Han Solo? I’ve never seen such scum and villainy since the pub on Tatooine.

The Jesus Gal
Sarah Palin. Now, I could stop right there and just let those two little words do the work, but I can’t when a person who charged rape victims for their rape kits, who didn’t know Africa is a continent, who blamed the media for her appalling interviews, and who makes decisions based on the return of Jesus is around. For the simple nomination of this person to be the back-up quarterback to the most powerful country in the world we now need bacon vodka to strip away the sorrow.

Vagina Power Vs. Penis Power
Straight out of the ATL, Alexxys K. Tylor is my new hero.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqg_ceFM30I
"We're hooked on the Penis Power and this man won't even buy you some shrimp from Long John Silver and that plate's what, $2.99? But he can give you a mouth full of sperm and a rectum full of sperm. We have to see what our issue is, because a man like that does not respect a woman." Our world needs fewer gals like Sarah Plain and more ladies like Alexxys Tylor!

Neil Patrick Harris (He Is His Own Category)
With a return to self-mockery, Harris was the best part of Harold and Kumar Go To Guantánamo Bay. With the womanizing Barney Harris NPH is the best part of the CBS comedy How I Met Your Mother, and with his fantastic performance in Joss Whedon’s online musical Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Alone Blog, Harris might be the best thing on the internet. But, his cameo on Funny Or Die’s musical attack on Prop 8, in which Harris explains that cash strapped California stands to make more money if gays can get married, he stole the skit form Jack Black and John C. Reilly.

All The News That Fits A Business Model
I understand CNN is not news, but rather a business, and they did a good job of reporting on the Obama puppy search, and how a 9-year-old wrote a book on attracting girls. However, when CNN reported on these two stories, I couldn’t help but noticed they didn’t have time for these bits of news: in the Thai political crisis, the Constitutional Court dissolves three parties in the ruling coalition, and Prime Minister Somchai Wongsawat resigned, a cholera outbreak in Zimbabwe spread, with hundreds dead and over 10,000 people infected, and the rioting over disputed election results killed more than 381 people and injured hundreds in Jos, Nigeria. But, don’t worry CNN watchers! As soon as a puppy is chosen I’m certain they will have in depth coverage. You know what else CNN missed? Ireland issued an international recall of its pork products following the discovery of contaminated pig feed. Won’t some body think of the bacon vodka?


About That Andrew Jackson Line…
Books where big in 2008 and nothing was bigger than American Lion: Andrew Jackson in the White House, by Jon Meacham. Remember, the 7th President of these United States slammed marshal law onto New Orleans, attacked his would-be-assassin, invaded Florida, placed fortified punch on the White House lawn to get hobos to exit his inaugural party, and claimed he was the direct representative of the American working man. Meacham, the celebrated editor of Newsweek, reminded with flair that G.W.B., is, well, Bush league compared to the antics of Jackson.

I read two other books of note this year, Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers, and The Post-American World by Fareed Zakaria. Gladwell explored how people can achieve via chance and chances, like why good pro hockey players were born in January, why the descendents of Jewish immigrant garment workers became the most powerful lawyers in New York, why Brazilian pilots have the best crash record, and how a centuries-old culture of rice farming helps Asian kids master math. Zakaria’s book is simply a must read. "This is not a book about the decline of America, but rather about the rise of everyone else." Americans need to have a better understanding of this, how we all fit with India, China, Russia, and Brazil in a new world. Zakaria does a brilliant job bringing all of this to light.

Hm. No novels, no plays, no poetry make my list.

The Music of 2008
The Hold Steady, Stay Positive
With sprawling story-based songs that feature rich girls drinking with townies, bad jokes, excuses, half-truths, and the problems of fortified wine, this is the most hypnotic band I listen to today. A personal favorite is a the metaphor about things not working the way you wish with “sometimes actresses get slapped, some times fake fights turn out bad.”

(I haven’t heard all of Guns ‘N Roses Chinese Democracy, or the new Kings of Leon tracks. And, sadly, I seem to be the only person on this planet who doesn’t care for Vampire Weekend, or the Fleet Foxes, or Sun Kill Moon, or Girl Talk, or Department of Eagles, or Wolf Parade, or Frightened Rabbit, or the latest Kanya West album, which is continued evidence I’m getting old. Icing to my elderly cake, the second best album of the year, for me, was James McMurtry’s Just Us Kids.)

Moments in Motion Pictures (big screen, and small)

South Park, Canada on Strike (small screen)
The most important show on television did a dazzling job of lampooning the writer strike by having Canada going on strike. It’s all “aboot” more money and respect, “eh”. In the end Canada wins, but at the cost of all it’s people starving. Most importantly, this episode gave us the now legendary “I’m not your friend, guy! I’m not your guy, buddy, I’m not your buddy, friend!”

Lost, The Constant (small screen)
Might be the best piece of fiction I have seen on ABC since Twin Peaks, the episode known as The Constant featured my favorite character, Desmond David Hume (who is based after my favorite character in my favorite book, Slaughterhouse Five), who becomes unstuck in time and space. As he slides between 1992 and 2004 we find him in the guts of an ocean freighter, as a member of the Royal Scots Regime, at Oxford University, and finally finding peace on a telephone call from the love of his life. Well shot, brilliantly acted, this hour of television was better than most movies I’ve seen. Every commercial break was a punishment.


Role Models (big screen)
Both sly and subtle, what could have been a sad excuse for another gross comedy became the most heartfelt silly two hours of 2008. The arrival of the “army” at the climax made me laugh out loud and cheer for the underdog. Ken Jeong as King Argotron was nothing short of perfect.

The Olympic Games (small screen)
Am I the only American who thinks Michael Phelps is a dork?

This American Life (small screen)
What I think is the best radio show on the airwaves, is also the best television show on the cable box. The hour long special on exploring the lives of men named John Smith was the most human of documentaries.

Theatre Experience of the Year
My move from New York to Austin has been easy. Austin is a lot like Brooklyn in style and attitude, and Ron Berry does what he must to bring my old theater friends out for the Fuse Box Festival at Refractory Arts. The Debate Society’s Cape Disappointment was only a workshop performance last spring, but was still better than half the plays I’ve seen at BAM or on Broadway.

So long, And Thanks For All The Fish
Its never a good year for death, but we lost some heroes this year. Paul Newman, Studs Turkel, Forrest J. Ackerman, Galveston, TX, and Tim Russert all died. But, the loss of Gerry Schoenfeld, the leader of the renowned Shubert organization (and a former professor of mine at Columbia University) passed away. I still remember stories Gerry told in class, one in particular on how he became “friends” with David Mamet by telling the playwright to shut his yap until he writes a play with a second act. With Gerry, we wouldn’t have BAM, Broadway, or the Debate Society.

Who I Voted For (I take my world leaders like my coffee: strong and black)
I try to keep my political, cultural, and religious tastes to myself around my classrooms (I don’t want any of my students to feel intimated, or think they need to act like me to get a good grade), but I do allow my students on the last day of class to ask any personal question they wish. Questions traditionally range from what religion I am (I’m an atheist), my favorite color (purple), am I a vegetarian (no), when will I get married (I have no idea), and who is my favorite Beatle (George). But in 2008 the hot question was “who did you vote for?”

I learned of Barack Obama in 2004 when F.O.T. Ben Masur gave me his first book. What struck me then about the book was Obama’s calm use of the English language, and the smooth way he was able to freely admit and write about dark times in his life with lyrical honesty. It was like a James McMurtry song, or an episode of This American Life. This year, I went back to Dreams of My Father and knew that after George Bush gave eight years of his best effort, I wanted a guy who can be honest and heartfelt to give his best effort. I‘m a firm believer we get the leaders we deserve. We deserved eight year of Bush, and in 2008 we deserved Barack Obama. I’m sure 2009 will have some tough choices for Obama, but as opposed to Bush when he took office, I think he understands that. And, at least he has bacon vodka to help guide the way.

Timothy Braun
December 8, 2008
Austin, TX

Five Easy Pieces (a quintet of other matters on my mind…supersized for 2008)
1.) Afghanistan has become more and more like the new Hotel California. You can check in anytime you like, but you can never leave.
2.) Socialist of the Year: George Bush. He has done more socialist moves with the buying of Wall Street since FDR and the New Deal.
3.) General Ann Dunnwoody is our first female 4 star general.
4.) If Jesus had grown old, he would have become Kris Kristofferson. I know this.
5.) There were too many great candidates for “Person of the Year”, so I didn’t pick one. But it would be crime if I didn’t mention David Axelrod. Without him, you wouldn’t even know who Barack Obama is.
6.) The girls from P.U.M.A. where like the Ellen James Society in The World According to Garp.
7.) Japanese bug fight. If you don’t like this, you are sad. http://www.japanesebugfights.com/
8.) Dos Equis campaign featuring “The Most Interesting Man In The World” is grand art.
9.) My student, Edgar, hooked me on Mexican wrestler-horror movies. This one features a mummy and a midget. Also if a Mexican wrestler looses his mask, its like the greatest disgrace. Joy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zmy3YmReD8A&feature=related
10.) I had a very bad dream the other night. I dreamed that some kind of crazy vote happened in California, essentially telling homosexuals they’re second-class citizens. Thank God that was just a bad dream.
11.) It was a good year for middle-class white psyches. We voted for a black man, and saw O.J. Simpson go to the big house. Let’s all have a glass of chardonnay!
12.) I know I’m late on this, but did something really bad happen in Canada? Like it’s entire political structure having a meltdown, or something?
13.) Troy Polamalu is one dandy football player. You could put him on a ring and give him to a woman.
14.) My best childhood friend asked if my brother was on something called iFanboy.com inquiring on who is richer, Tony Stark (Iron Man) or Bruce Wayne (Batman). In the end it was my brother, and this was a big deal for my friend. More bacon vodka, please.

CODA
I’m kicking off something new for federal prisoner in 2009. As I teach more and more cultural studies classes, I am finding out all kinds of wacky stuff I wasn’t aware of, and I would like to share here. Each blog will now be accompanied by a “Did You Know” section of both real and useless trivia. Enjoy!

DID YOU KNOW
... that Rabbi Asher Lopatin supported a Chicago ban on foie gras on the grounds that the Torah prohibits cruelty to animals, noting that "chopped liver is good, but foie gras is bad"?
.. that California hunter Seth Kinman, who claimed to have killed over 800 grizzly bears, gave several U.S. Presidents chairs made from grizzly bears and elkhorns?
... that Pat Austin was the first drag racer to win two eliminators at an NHRA event?
... that the Handlebar Club, a gentleman's club for those with handlebar moustaches, considers itself at war with a society that demands people choose "the bland, the boring and the generic"?
... that a parasitic worm of the family Mermithidae has been found in a spider preserved in Baltic amber for 40 million years?

Once again...
Who has more money? Batman? Iron Man? That’s like asking, “Who is cooler? Tyler Durden or Han Solo?” Batman has more money, of course. I think they made a movie about him this year. Anyways, Iron Man is just a comic book dude. Batman is a real guy.


Now you know.